Nina's Soap

Learning to set boundaries might be easy or difficult depending on how you are brought up. But it is important for our psychological health.

I helped my parents come to the US and they lived with me. At first I thought, my father could look for a part time job to have medical insurance for him and my mother and his income would be for them to do what they want or travel if they so choose.

After a year my father moved to another state and started to work with a temp agency. My mother stayed but would visit him or he would visit us. I told my mother that she could cook anything I have in the house, but if she wants to cook something I don’t normally purchase, she would have to purchase it with her own money. I told my father that he needs to send money to my mother for her personal expenses. He works after all. I cook dinner for the whole house members.

My parents complained about many things in the house:

They didn’t think I should have any rules in the house that they should be subject to.

They told me that I would always have my husband and my children with me but I would not always have my parents therefore, they inferred that I should spend more time with my mother than my husband and my children. They told me that the relationships a girl has with her mother is not the relationship I have with my mother.

My mother complained that I don’t take her to the mall shopping with her for fun. I don’t shop at the mall unless there is a need. Going to a mall to pass time is a sure way to make impulse buy and ruin your finances. Don’t go to the store if you don’t need to. At least that is where I stand.

She complained that I don’t respect her and my husband doesn’t respect her either.

When she doesn’t get her way with me, she would hell at me in front of my children. She did it at two occasions this year. The first time she told me that I am a bad person. She told me that I am ashamed of my skin color.  She said I married a Caucasian and didn’t want anything to do with them any longer. I didn’t answer her back. I am black and am not ashamed of my color. I don’t bleach my skin and I don’t straighten my hair any longer. I have stopped putting chemicals in my hair since I was pregnant with my second child seven year ago. I wear my hair natural. I have a lot of gray hair and I don’t do anything to it either. I am proud of who I am. I don’t view people based on their color. The second time she heeled at me, she told me if I continue to upset her and she falls and dies her blood would be on me, my husband and our children. I told her that No her blood won’t be on me, my husband, nor my children. Her blood would be on her own head. She called me liar also. The next morning, she apologized that she didn’t know why she told me all this things she told me the second time. I told her that was fine. There was nothing to apologize for. For me her apology didn’t mean much.

I have not seen my parents for 10 years and thought if I helped them get the legal documents to come and live in the US, after they get the Citizenship, they would easily visit my brothers as we all live in different states and different continents. The problem is I was overly optimistic. I thought my parents were hard on us growing up because they wanted us to become productive members of the society. It turned out my parents are who they were.

Growing up my parents were over controlling, very strict, and used corporal punishments to keep us in line. I viewed my parents’ attitude today as if I let them they would try to control me again and that would never happen. I shared a lot of information with them after they came to live with me including my income. Later my mother suggested we sat down to have a discussion and she used these information to insult me. I learned from that mistake and told both of them that I won’t sit down to have discuss with them ever again. They can talk to me anytime they want or ask me questions but we won’t sit down to have a discussion. The last two left a bitter taste in my mouth. During the two discussions that she called me for, I told her that growing up we only have a vertical relationship with them. They gave us order and we as kids obeyed. Now that we are adults there is no more vertical relationship, it could be why she might feel like I don’t communicate with her. We didn’t establish any horizontal relationship. She answered back that was not true. Then she said that was the reason I brought them to the US for revenge. I didn’t say more during the discussions. I let her talk for more than an hour while waiting to get the kids to bed these two nights. She complained that I don’t come to her room sit down and spend time with her. The truth is I work full time. When I get home I clean the house because I don’t let her do that for me. It is my house, it is my responsibility. Even when she cleans it, I re-clean it. I clean my house for a reason that is different from her reason. I set a boundary and she needs to respect it. I cook and while I cook, I study with the kids. When the food is ready, I watched the kids eat and get them ready for bed. While I cook, if my mother sits at the dining table we talk a little unless she doesn’t ask me anything. I cannot let my kids to their own devices and go spend time in her bedroom. I am married. It is not right.

Growing up I didn’t interact much with my parents. They might disagree but there is not much of fond memories my brain held on too. They might remember things that met a lot to them but didn’t mean much to me. I might remember her purchasing me expensive clothing and jewelry but these things didn’t mean much to me then and doesn’t mean much to me now.

Growing up, my parents work outside of the house. They hired a house keeper to take care of us, clean the house, cook lunch, dinner, and prep ingredients for stews which my mother cooked few times a week.  I felt like I spent more times with the house keeper than my parents. My father tutored me at night and the weekends. But these moments were not happy ones as I took a lot of beating for getting my answers wrong.

I don’t want to raise my children the way I was brought up. I feel like I don’t spend much time with them as I work full time. But they spend time with their daddy when they are not at school. We both worked different hours so that we watch and care for our own kids without paying for day care. When I get home I like to spend some times with the kids and I do that while I cook and clean. My mother argued with me that I pulled my kids away from her. She stated that I don’t like my kids in her bedroom. Well I don’t like my kids in her room for multiple reasons including safety. She is at home all day and could interact with them. But when I am back from work in the evening, I want to spend time with my kids. I want to read and do math with them. I want to keep them away from bedrooms as much as possible to allow their father to have some sleep before his work. I want to bond with my children now, not when they are adults. My mother doesn’t understand that and I don’t bother explaining.

Few days after they came in the US, my mother gave me a lot of jewelry. I took them but after few days, I returned most of them back to her especially the most expensive ones. I didn’t feel comfortable taking these expensive gifts I know I didn’t care about. And I didn’t approve of her spending. She couldn’t spend money on jewelry and complain she didn’t have money. My mother back in Africa would complain my brothers and I didn’t send her money. My parents retired and collected social security. They have medical insurance back there. They live in their own house free of mortgage last thing I know. They only need to pay for their expenses, water and electricity and yet they wanted us to send them money when we struggle here to make ends meet.  If I need jewelry, I would purchase it. I told her I couldn’t take the jewelries. She should sell them and keep her money. She was offended. Later I sent the rest to thrift store. Gifts from my mother feels like a debt she would ask me to pay back in her own term. They come with a string attached in my opinion.

My mother told me that I should not discuss things that she tells me with my husband. I trust my husband. Sharing issues I have with my parents with him makes them bearable.

My mother would insinuate that I should love them more than I love my husband. She said the love she has for my father is different from the love she has for her children.

In my opinion my parents are jealous of my husband and my in-laws. My father told me that I used to tell them everything until I got married and I stopped telling them anything. My mother said I loved my in-laws more than her. If she is not my mother any longer I need to let her know. She stated that when my in laws visited, I talked with them she sees how I welcome them. I think my mother in law might disagree with her on that.

When they came in the US, I convinced my husband to add them to our cell phone plans. We got them 2 dump phones. When my father moved to another state, Verizon didn’t have good coverage there. I told him to get a cell phone and let me know I would drop him from our plan. He got a phone for himself and another one for my mother. I told them that I would drop both of them off our plan. They didn’t like it. My father said if he didn’t get the phones and their plans, I would continue to pay for their old phones. Therefore, why that would matter whether or not they have their own plan? I should continue to pay for their old phones until they decided to give them up. I told them that they cannot have two cell phones each. They told me to cut their old phones, out of anger. I didn’t find paying for two cell phones that are not in use anymore, financial savvy. I asked my husband to take them off our plan.

Financial Boundaries

Each time my mother asks me to purchase her something, I would ask her for the money even if that costs few cents. If I don’t normally buy it, I won’t pay for it. They want to live luxury lifestyle. They can if they can afford it but not at my expenses. I set that boundary and I intend to enforce it. If I give in sometimes because the dollar amount is small, I would make that boundary blurred.

My parents don’t share my view on needs vs wants. They include a lot of things in needs. They are adults. I don’t bother give them advice when I am not asked. They won’t take it anyway. They view me as their child and I cannot know better than them. I just know that if my parents are not financial savvy and find themselves in need, I would be hurt if I don’t have the means to help them. For that reason, I don’t let them into my finances. They act like they sacrificed a lot for us to succeed. Therefore, we should be their bank account now. They feel entitled. My parents have not come to the term that I am not any longer the little girl they used to control. I am an adult and deserved to be respected.

My mother likes to talk down on me or put me down. She did it when I was younger, and she does it now too when she is angry that she is not having her way with me. She likes to verbally abuse me. Most of the times I don’t answer her. I just let her talk.  But not I feel threats in her voice, I answer her back. I don’t take kindly to threats.

I should have thought about who they really are before I brought them in my house. But at least I know who they are now. I told them I don’t expect them to change. And I am not changing who I am either. I would stand my ground.

I care about my parents. I wouldn’t trade them for any other parents in the world. Despite my love for them, I have to protect myself from emotional abuse and protect my relationship with my husband and my children.

If there is something I leaned from my bad interactions with my parents is that:

I should respect my children even when they are still little so that I could respect them when they are adults.

It is not when they are adults that I would learn to respect them.

I have to start now.

I should not insult them.

I should not put them down.

I should not verbally abuse them.

I should help them have good esteem of themselves.

I should help them be successful in life.

I should be financially responsible.

I should thrive to be financially independent and not be a burden for my children later in life.

Set Boundaries with Your In-Laws

Set boundaries with your parents and make sure your limits are not blurred.

The book name Boundaries written by Dr. Cloud is a very good book to read and learn to set boundaries with your spouse, your children, your parents, your sibling, your in-laws, and your coworkers. It could be found at the library.