Set Boundaries with Your In-Laws

Family members are people you care about. Sometimes saying no could be hard but necessary to keep everybody around from stepping on you.

In my previous post, I suggested to my husband to decrease our cell phone bill by asking his mother to get her own cell phone. She lives 3 hours away and works full time. She could afford to pay for her phone. I told my husband not to get a phone plan for her. She needs to go to a local Verizon store near her and the workers there would answer all her questions and put her in a plan. If she has an issue that my husband can help her solve over the phone, that fine otherwise, she could easily return to the store and get it fixed. She may not know much about technology but she can do it. I told my husband not to tell her about the $15,000 debts. That is our problem. He could just say that we could not afford to pay for her phone any longer.

My husband talked to her. She suggested to pay for all 3 cell phones bill. He told her no. She told him to find her a plan. He told her to go to a local Verizon and get one. She told him that I don’t like her, and she prefers to take her own life.

I pointed at my husband that she just guilt tripped him right there. It is not just my parents that like to use guilt to make me do things I don’t want to do.

I advised my husband not to give in this time because it was not the first time.

Financial Boundaries

When we first got married and I moved from one state to the other to live with my husband, I couldn’t find a job. I just graduated with an MBA during the recession. I told him that I would start to apply with corporates outside of his state. If I find a job, we would move. He told his mother that we have debts to pay and if I find a job out of state we would move. She got back to him suggesting to give us $1,000 to help with the debts so that we stay. He told him that our debts were well over $1,000 and rejected the offer. She told him that she cried all night and though about taking her own life. I told my husband that we cannot stay in a city where we couldn’t afford to provide for our family just to stay near his mother and share her income. We are adults and it is our job to provide for our needs. I told my husband that I came from Africa from a better future. I won’t settle for anything less. We would move if I found a job in a different state. I have a master degree in accounting from Africa and an MBA from the US. I intended to work with my degrees. We are not taking any money from his mother. After that moment, I told him to refuse any monetary gift from his mother. She would even suggest him to hide it from me. It was 10 years ago. I worked at fast food, at a tax service, at Walmart, and 4 years later I found a job related to finance in the same city we live in.

My in-laws would visit us with gifts for the kids. I let them know that I keep our things to a minimum and would not appreciate some of their gifts. On time my mother in law gave us $400 for Christmas gift. I asked my husband to give it back to her and she could only give up to $20 to the kids for gift. She didn’t appreciate it.

Over time, they decreased their gifts but didn’t stop. Every time they visit us, they would bring something in the house. I let them know if I appreciate it or not. It is my job to take care of my children. They cannot show up with a lot of clothes, a lot of books, a table, a lot of toys, in short what I consider a clutter in my house. I understand in a culture, where people don’t turn down a gift that my attitude would be perceived as an offense. However, in a house that I am decluttering heavily, I don’t feel comfortable taking their gifts and sending them to thrift store the minute they left. My in-laws are people who don’t get rid of anything. I am someone who like empty space in my house.

My mother in law has commented that we should not have any more kid after we have two kids. I told my husband that I am the one that carry them for 9 months and give them birth. He and I are the one that worked and provide for them. His mother doesn’t get to decide how many kids we should have or should not have. I get to decide that.

My mother in law doesn’t mind spending money on gifts but when we asked her to pay for her own phone, she started to make us feel guilty. I told my husband that if his mother is in need, as her only child, if we have the means to help her, we would do it with joy. But until then, we need to let her take care of her own expenses. The same rule applies to my parents. If they are in need and if my brothers would not be able to help, if we could help we would do it with joy. However, we need to be serious with our finances since we have aged parents that don’t share the same view on finances as us and make questionable financial decisions.

I have great respect for my in-laws. I care about my mother in-law. But when it comes to my house, I am the one in charge.

If you think my in-laws are the only family members that push their boundaries with me, read on the next post how my own parents are not any better.